The Last Ride
The endless road lay before me in the dark night illuminated by the regular patterns of vehicle headlights. This autumn night shared a cool temperature that announced winter was on its way. The full moon remained high above the landscape as silent observers watched the numerous travels below it. The journey of thirty-six-year-old James Calloway played out during that night because his past was unraveling in front of him similar to fraying stitches on a flawless canvas.
draul James Calloway appeared to hold opposing characteristics. The thirty-six-year-old man projected a past confidence which washed away when his mistakes drowned him. He existed as a husband, father and friend until life showed him that permanence belonged to a different realm. The weight from his past became heavier with each passing mile since he took the wheel of his midnight-blue sedan.
The passenger seat was once filled by someone yet remained unoccupied now. Emily had once occupied that seat by cheerfully accepting his unfunny humor and cranking the radio volume to join in strange songs with forgotten lyrics. His daughter Sophie sat in the back seat pointing at passing trucks while making imaginative stories about their destinations because her tiny hands touched the window. The passenger seat remained empty and yet the space there now harbored silent memories which once brought happiness to the car but now seemed to echo darkly.
James had lost them both. A foolish choice he made during an instant period removed everything he had in his life. The night turned out stormy when he and Emily got into a heated dispute reminiscent of this current evening. The speed of his driving combined with his fury made him fail to recognize the dangerous conditions of the road. A red light. A screech of tires. The deafening crunch of metal against metal. And then—silence. That silence exists as an oppressive force which swallows up every hope.
Emily had died instantly. Survival from the car crash did not safeguard Sophie through the subsequent hours. The weight he carried consisted of knowing how his wheel control and decisions led to the total loss of everything he possessed after his collision.
Throughout this evening he felt the burden of that harsh reality become stronger than it had ever been before. He maintained a complete alcohol abstinence during these six months but constant grief made him feel intoxicated. Headlight beams refracted into long luminous streaks because the road in front of him lost definition. He passed the Lakeview Bridge exit without any recognition because this was the spot where he used to sit with Emily during quiet nights to listen to the water below as they dreamed about their shared future.
A hidden power guided him to make a stop at that exit. The vehicle safely cruised with no guidance from him as if possessing its own independent navigation. The road continued to twist until he finally reached the bridge location. The sedan stopped when he turned off the engine. The eruption of silence filled the air like a dark storm.
James walked out with his boots making small sounds on the gravel edge. The strong wind attacked him as he walked forward. He headed toward the rail and held tight with all his strength in his palms. Below the river made loud and bottomless sounds.
He spoke his apology to the wind which covered his words. "I should've been the one..."
He allowed tears to come without resisting them. He held back tears for over three months because his mind blocked them out. He worked daily to make amends yet no amount of self-punishment could return them to him. Pain from the accident could not reverse the damage his actions caused.
He became aware of cars driving over gravel as he thought. The car had come to a stop with its engine quietly running. Without expecting anyone James spun around to look for anyone nearby. A woman he had not seen in many years emerged before him instead.
Lena Carter.
Lena served as Emily's dearest friend who used to dominate both their lives. Following the funeral she vanished because she turned her eyes away from him when she observed the disintegration of their connection. She currently stood in the wintry weather with her expression impossible to decode.
The tone of her voice sounded gentler than what he remembered. "What are you doing here?"
He released a unstable breath before slowly moving his head. "I don't know."
Lena took a step closer. "I heard you moved away."
"I did." He swallowed hard. Nobody truly departs from the scene of their life's devastation. Not when"
"No," she said quietly. "You don’t."
After a moment of stillness passed between them only the audio elements of wind and the distant rivercurrent could be heard. Then, Lena spoke again.
The question you wonder about me remains a constant in your thoughts. He felt her eyes holding his gaze with a profound understanding. "Ending it."
James looked away. "Sometimes."
She approved the answer as though she already knew it would come. "I used to be angry at you. So angry. All my anger pointed at you because I wished to shift responsibility for every problem we had. You hold yourself responsible far above the way I could ever think of doing so.
A thick lump blocked his throat as James unsuccessfully tried to speak. "I deserve it."
"Maybe you do." Lena brought her arms to her chest as she sighed. You should continue to live even though you carry burdens of responsibility from the past.
He let out a hollow laugh. "Living? You call this living? Each morning brings midnight since my poor choices led to the deaths of the people I held dearest. There's nothing left."
Lena hesitated before speaking. "That's not true. Our current meeting only takes place because you stopped your car. You wouldn’t have pulled over. You have not given up because you stopped and approached me.
Jim studied the running water in the river before turning back toward his companion. For years he sank under his self-blame because he thought living on was not his due. Standing next to Lena transforms his perspective about himself and his situation. Cold weather combined with someone's genuine view of him brought back his self-worth as an individual.
He mumbled the response quietly.
Lena told him not to solve this issue himself. "You just have to try."
At that moment James took a deep breath as he blocked out everything around him. After revealing his eyes he moved away from the rail. He gazed at Lena then to the car behind and ahead at the path that led to new possibilities.
For the very first time in quite a long period he moved ahead one step.